Deathmatch 2: Tommy Vercetti VS Tanner
by Doctor Vile
Summary: Vercetti vs Tanner! Legolas vs Link! Max Payne vs Nick Kang! Snake on commentry, Meryl on interviews!
1. Vercetti speaks!

HOUSTON ASTRODOME, TEXAS  
VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH 2  
PRETTY CLOSE TO THE FRONT  
  
Fox Chicken: Welcome back to the only blood filled extravaganza that isn't endorsed by MTV. Just to recap, last episode we witnessed Samus Aran from Metroid take out Halo's Master Chief. Also, despite the significant disability of a broken neck Sam Fisher came back from a brutal beating from Solid Snake to lock his opponent in an airless container and win our first main event. However, Snake survived to tell his incredible escape story today.  
  
Snake: This is Snake. Fox, do you read me?  
  
Fox: Loud and clear, Snake. Just how did you escape?  
  
Snake: Well, that idiot Fisher left his lock picks inside the room. Once I had found them, I shot Raiden in the groin and recovered them. My fingers bled from excessive analogue stick rotating but I finally managed to open the door to the maze before my oxygen ran out.  
  
Fox: That is amazing, Snake! And of course you have signed a temporary contract with us to co-host our show with yours truly.  
  
Snake: Well, people said I didn't talk enough last time round, plus it was the least I could do, what after shooting your last commentator.  
  
Fox: Oh, yeah. I hated that jerk.  
  
Snake: Yeah, after trying to kill me and stealing my girl I felt it was justified.  
  
Fox: That reminds me, what happened to Meryl?  
  
Snake: It turns out that she was in Fisher's apartment all along, only tranquilised and shoved in a locker. So when the boys had finished retiring Fisher and sending Raiden to the mental institution they managed to use some coolant to wake her up.  
  
Fox: There you have it folks. Meryl Silverburgh returns in this very episode as an interviewer. Why don't you tell us what we can expect tonight, Snake?  
  
Snake: I'm glad you asked. For our opener we managed to force New York's finest Max Payne to take on his Los Angeles equivalent Nick Kang.  
  
Fox: Continuing our crime theme for this show, Grand Theft Auto's Tommy Vercetti will go head to head with undercover cop Tanner from Driver in our main event!  
  
Snake: And just to break away from all The Matrix rip-offs and tabloid- worrying violence we've distracted Link from his Zelda-rescuing quest long enough to take on his Elven doppelganger Legolas from such games as The Two Towers and the upcoming Return Of The King.  
  
Fox: Wow, Snake, we've got a great show coming up. How did you get all these famous video game characters?  
  
Snake: I just told them who I was and that it was a deathmatch and they jumped on board.  
  
Fox: Cool.  
  
Snake: Well, I didn't tell those elvy sissy boys that it was a deathmatch. They think it's some sort of flower show or something.  
  
Fox: To all those who think that Legolas is a tough hero, read the book. He actually cries when the Balrog comes!  
  
Snake: Don't worry, though. I got the EA version, not the Vivendi one.  
  
Fox: Thank God. Anyway, we can now join Meryl backstage as she prepares to interview tonight's show stealer Tommy Vercetti.  
  
(Cut to Meryl holding a microphone for Tommy Vercetti outside his locker room)  
  
Meryl: Thank you Fox. I'm here with Tommy Vercetti, perpetrator of violent and fashion crimes alike. What have you been up to Tommy?  
  
Tommy: Basically, I fuckin' own Vice City now. Anyone who thinks crime doesn't pay should have a look at me.  
  
Meryl: Wow, you must lead a great life.  
  
Tommy: Not really. The tourist industry has gone down the fuckin' drain and those U.S. Government bastards are trying to repossess my fuckin' mansion.  
  
Meryl: Do you have to swear? This is a PG-13, remember.  
  
Tommy: Shut the fuck up. Basically, I've had this piece of shit Tanner tryin' to run me into the ground since I revolutionised the whole crime game thing. I mean, before I came along all we had was mute errand boys and undercover filths who walked like they needed a huge shit.  
  
Meryl: So there is no love lost between you and your opponent?  
  
Tommy: Fuck, no. I've always hated his guts. And I'll tell ya another fuckin' thing -  
  
Fox: I'm sorry, we're going to have to cut you off there. Our writer says that was one "f" too many.  
  
Snake: I say let him speak. He's got some quality views. I'll do the bleeping.  
  
Fox: Okay, if you say so.  
  
(Cuts back to Meryl and Tommy)  
  
Tommy: - I am going to totally cream his f -  
  
Snake: Bleep!  
  
Tommy: - ng ass tonight and then we'll see who's the f -  
  
Snake: Bleep!  
  
Tommy: - ng King of the f -  
  
Snake: Bleep!  
  
Tommy: - ng streets.  
  
Meryl: One last question before you go. When you're not managing City policies and telling designers where to stick it, what do you like to do in your spare time?  
  
Tommy: I f -  
  
Snake: Bleep!  
  
Tommy: - ng love playing computer games. I like those stealth games especially. That Snake is a fucking pussy though. I would walk right fucking through him in a fight. Manhunt is the real fucker for me.  
  
Fox: Snake! The bleep button!  
  
Snake: Grr..  
  
Tommy: And I mean, losing against a cheap copy of himself? I would fucking never lose to fucking Tanner. What is his fucking problem? How'd he manage to get a fucking babe like you, Meryl? Hey, fancy comin' over to my mansion tonight and I can show you what a real fuck is like?  
  
Fox: We really are going to have to cut you off there. Colonel Campbell will be having a heart attack.  
  
Snake: Pussy, huh? We'll see whose the fucking pussy. Where'd I put my nikita -  
  
Fox: No, Snake! You're not scheduled to fight tonight!  
  
(END OF PART ONE) 


	2. Deathmatch: Max Payne VS Nick Kang

Fox: We're back, people. Moments ago Tommy Vercetti told us how he is going to whoop Tanner from Driver in our main event and totally trashed our co- commentator Solid Snake.  
  
Snake: I've cooled off a little during the break. But if Tanner doesn't kill that mealy-mouth shit, I'll hunt him down like the little whiny bitch that he is.  
  
Fox: Harsh words from both parties. But coming up now, we bring you live action from the deathmatch ring here in Texas as Max Payne faces Nick Kang from his recently released game True Crime: Streets Of L.A. How do you see this one going, Snake?  
  
Snake: Both guys have a lot of firepower and that could come into play. In a one on one I'd go for Nick. However, I fancy Payne's Ingrams over Kang's flashy kicks any day.  
  
Fox: This one started when the LAPD found out information about the whereabouts of the guy who framed Max. However, at Nick Kang's request this information was not released to the NYPD, Payne's police branch. So, in typical Max Payne style to prove once and for all that he is innocent of murder Max intends to beat the information out of Kang and then murder him.  
  
Snake: Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.  
  
Fox: And we're receiving word from Mills Lane that both men are inside the ring, so let's head down there.  
  
(Cut to Max Payne, Nick Kang and Mills Lane in the ring)  
  
Mills: Now, I want a nice clean fight which is gonna finish when one of you pigs is lying face down dead, possibly separated from his other limbs and/or genitals. Any questions?  
  
Kang: Yeah, I gotta question for that pussy over there. What is with that jacket? All right, we all like shag carpeting but you don't have to wear it under your trench coat for Christ's sake.  
  
Payne: You got some mouth, Kang. But that's all you got. I did the bullet time first, and your whole game is a rip off of GTA with child locks. So I'm thinking you're as poor as your game to have to rip everyone off like that.  
  
Kang: Poor, huh? Had a look at my car recently? You'd have to bring about world peace just to get on the waiting list for that baby.  
  
Payne: Oh yeah, I liked your car. I liked it so much that I brought the car door with me.  
  
(Payne produces a shiny red car door from under his jacket)  
  
Fox: How does he fit that in his coat?  
  
Snake: That's nothing. I can fit an anti-aircraft gun in my stealth tights.  
  
Payne: But what were you thinking of when you chose red? Don't worry, I've spray painted it a colour that is a bit more you.  
  
(Payne pulls out a pink aerosol can and sprays it in Kang's eyes.  
  
Kang: Arghh! You bastard!  
  
Payne: And I know you've always wanted a compact, so when I've finished kicking your ass I'll take it to the junkyard for ya. They've got some pretty good hydraulics down there.  
  
(Payne smacks Kang with the car door and sticks his head through the window. He then presses the window-up button. The glass moves up, cutting through Kang's neck.)  
  
Payne: How's that for pane? Geddit, Max Payne? Window pane? Lots of pain!  
  
(Payne pulls the car door forwards, almost tearing Kang's head off.)  
  
Kang: Urrghh -  
  
Payne: Now, Ingrams or Uzis?  
  
(Kang jumps up and spit kicks Payne to the ground. They then leap towards each other and catch each other in mid air. They knock the arena camera, which spins around them a la Neo and Smith in The Matrix.)  
  
Fox: Another shameless copy.  
  
(Kang high kicks Payne to the floor. He then unleashes a series of spin kicks which catch his opponent hard in the face. Lifting Payne up, he executes a perfect one-inch punch that sends Payne out of the ring.)  
  
Kang: That was for my car, bitch.  
  
(Payne lands hard on his neck. His right shoulder is dislocated.)  
  
Fox: Payne is in all kinds of trouble! He's crawling away from the action with Kang hot on his heels.  
  
Snake: Get up, Max!  
  
(As Kang tries to lift Payne to his feet, Max kicks him hard in the groin.)  
  
Kang: Argh! My groin!  
  
Payne: Have some!  
  
(Payne pulls from his coat twin Ingrams as Kang grabs his Uzis. Both men spin around each other firing. The camera, still damaged, is receiving treatment from deathmatch technicians. It slows down the action.)  
  
Fox: Our fighters now bringing the heavy weaponry into the brawl!  
  
Snake: It's just like watching the Wachowskis. I smell a lawsuit.  
  
(The front row empties as Payne and Kang continue firing. Both are experiencing heavy puncture wounds.)  
  
Kang: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow -  
  
Payne: Ooh arr ee ow oh argh ee ooh ow oy arw ag -  
  
(Both men land on their sides. Kang is out of bullets)  
  
Fox: Kang's ammunition supplies are running low! He's in real trouble now.  
  
Snake: They've both lost massive amounts of blood, but I think that Nick is worse off.  
  
(Kang rolls inside the ring with Payne in hot pursuit. Payne grabs Kang by the hair, lifts him over his head and smashes his spine backwards over his knee.)  
  
Fox: Perfectly executed Sasquashean Spinal Tap by Payne.  
  
(Kang struggles to his feet as Payne reloads. Kang's legs are vertical but his upper body is bent horizontally backwards.)  
  
Payne: Dodge this.  
  
(Payne fires round after round at Kang. The camera tries to zoom in on Kang but again slows down. The picture is reminiscent of Neo trying to bend out of the way of the agents' bullets in The Matrix. Kang's skin is flayed from his bones.)  
  
Fox: And Nick Kang is dead!  
  
Mills Lane: The winner is Max Payne! 


	3. Deathmatch: Legolas VS Link

Fox: I just can't believe the action that we've been treated to so far. During the break, a group of lawyers wearing what appeared to be trench coats took the remnants of Nick Kang's skeleton into a field and set them ablaze.  
  
Snake: If that weren't enough, they then went after Max Payne, stuffing him in a black burlap bag and dragging him into a paddy wagon waiting outside.  
  
Fox: Hopefully Max will be able to get his way out of prison diplomatically rather than his usual, more deadly method.  
  
Fox: Still to come we've got Legolas vs Link and Tanner vs Tommy, so don't think you've missed out if you skipped a few chapters.  
  
Snake: Huh, yeah, skip away.  
  
Fox: But coming up next, we take an exclusive look behind the scenes of Deathmatch: The Musical! Staring Hugh Jackman as Snake and Gwyneth Paltrow as Raiden.  
  
(Theme song from Titanic plays as the tanker sinks. Paltrow and Rose are holding on to the mast)  
  
Paltrow: I think that we should see other people.  
  
(Later, Jackman is seen dancing through a maze singing)  
  
Jackman: Sam, Sam, where are you Sam? Fisher, I'm coming for yooouuu.. Ill find Meryl Cos she's in peril And her dad just won't stop saying mooooooo...  
  
Turk: Moo? What the f-  
  
Campbell: Moo.  
  
(Later still, the curtain is falling as Jackman, Fisher, Master Chief and Samus Aran are bowing. Raiden is rolling around on the floor, holding his groin in pain.)  
  
Paltrow: Ow. My groin.  
  
(Cut back to Snake and Fox)  
  
Fox: Jesus, that was a piece of shit.  
  
Snake: I don't know. Raiden holding his groin at the end kinda turned me on.  
  
Fox: Anyway, back to the action.  
  
Snake: Yeah, as our combatants make there way down to the ring, we can announce our mystery guest referee.  
  
(Standing in the middle of the ring is a man with a bag over his head)  
  
Fox: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome.. Mr Hugo Weaving!  
  
Snake: Who?  
  
Fox: He played Elrond in The Lord Of The Rings. Or so he told me. I found him on the street outside.  
  
Snake: Wasn't he in The Matr-  
  
Fox: Shhh!! We're not allowed to say the M word again on this program.  
  
Snake: Oh yeah. Lousy lawsuits.  
  
Hugo: What I want, Mr Legolas, and, of course, Mr Link, is, what I like to call, a nice, clean, fight, so, to, speak.  
  
Legolas: Must you pause like that? This is gonna take forever.  
  
Hugo: Please, Mr Legolas (many changes in tone throughout sentences), allow me, most kindly, to spe-ak..  
  
Link: Sod this. (Fires arrow at Legolas)  
  
Legolas: Ow, bitch! (pulls arrow out of his arm and fires it back at Link. It pierces his leg.)  
  
Link: Owee! That really hurts!  
  
Hugo:...like you, apparently, free. Which, of course, is the very reason, why..  
  
Legolas: How do you like that? Huh?  
  
Link: Wait, I have the mighty masks of Majora! Chew on this sucker!  
  
(Link puts on a mask that appears in his hand out of no-where. He transforms into what appears to be some kind of small shrubbery.)  
  
Legolas: You've got to be kidding.  
  
(Legolas walks up to the shrubbery and starts kicking it repeatedly.)  
  
Shrubbery: Ow, quit it! Ouch! Ow! Oooh, that's quite nice. Ouch!  
  
(Shrubbery removes mask. Link is sitting down bruised.)  
  
Legolas: Get up, Pussywipe.  
  
Link: I'll show you whose the pussywipe, Pussywipe.  
  
Legolas: What did you call me?  
  
Link: I called you a pussywipe, Pussywipe.  
  
Legolas: Stop that.  
  
Link: Stop what, Pussywipe?  
  
Legolas: Stop calling me a pussywipe.  
  
Link: Stop calling you a pussywipe, Pussywipe? Sure, I stop, Pussywipe. Whatever you say, Pussywipe.  
  
Legolas: (crying) STOP IT!  
  
Link: Sorry, Pussywipe. Forgot that you don't like being called pussywipe, Pussywipe.  
  
Legolas: Leave me alone! sob  
  
Hugo: - which takes, me, back to, why, I was given an acting degree. So, in a manner, of speaking -  
  
Link: What's the matter, Pussywipe? Don't you like being called pussywipe?  
  
Legolas: Shut up! I don't need to anymore!  
  
Link: Err. ok.  
  
(Legolas takes advantage of Link's sudden shock, bitch slapping him to the floor)  
  
Link: Argh, bitch!  
  
(Legolas grabs Hugo Weaving, ripping off his eyebrows in mid sentence)  
  
Fox: What the hell is he doing, Snake? This terrible piece of writing has just got really nasty!  
  
Snake: He's just ripped those razor sharp eyebrows right from Agent Smith's head. Kinda reminds me of my army days in the barracks with the lads.  
  
Hugo: - that, in fact, really rea-lly, hurts, me.  
  
Link: What're you doing?  
  
(Legolas then uses Hugo Weaving's eyebrows as twin knifes to chop off Link's arm)  
  
Snake: That's a close shave.  
  
Fox: Something you haven't had in a long time, right buddy? Ha ha.  
  
Snake: Do not talk about the 'do. I'm serious. Don't provoke me.  
  
Link: Noo! Not my right arm! No what am I gonna do on those long lonely nights when Zelda's away?  
  
Legolas: Like I care, wanker.  
  
Link: At least I've got a girlfriend, you hermaphrodite!  
  
Legolas: My doctor says I have the best of both worlds. And you're about to have neither.  
  
(I suppose I really should tell you what happens next, but I'm trying to get this under a PG-13 rating. You can fill in the blanks with your sick and twisted imaginations. Anyone reading this site should have one.)  
  
Fox: Oh my god! That is by far the most perverted nightmarish action I have witnessed in my life.  
  
Snake: That was kinda like The Exorcist, but without a crucifix. We'll probably have their lawyers down on us in a minute.  
  
Fox: I thought..er.. "cutting him short" was bad enough, but then -  
  
Snake: I think he just bled to death.  
  
Fox: Thank God.  
  
Snake: Hot dog! We have a wiener!  
  
Fox: Snake! That is disgusting.  
  
Snake: Look out! He's just thrown it into the stands! 


	4. Deathmatch: Vercetti VS Tanner

Fox: Incredible action already witnessed here, and we've not even had the main event yet! Coming up next: Tommy Vercetti VS Tanner!  
  
Snake: You put down any bets, Fox?  
  
Fox: Only that it will be a great fight!  
  
Snake: Your sole purpose is to praise the product, isn't it? You have no opinions of your own.  
  
Fox: Er, Snake, don't get angry with me just because Tommy pissed you off.  
  
Snake: You bring up that little shit one more time.  
  
Fox: ..And I think our technicians have informed us that the car arena has been put in place..  
  
Snake: The what?  
  
Fox: We hired Reflections to construct an entire Destruction Derby type arena where Tommy Vercetti and Tanner will enter in a vehicle of their choice.  
  
Snake: Who the hell thought of that? Tanner will kill the bastard. Reflections made Driver as well!  
  
Fox: Ah, but the arena will be littered with weapons curtsey of the good people at Rockstar.  
  
Snake: Those Scottish gimps..  
  
Fox: Do you hear engines purring? I think our combatants are entering...  
  
(Tanner rides into the arena in a cop car to sirens. He does a three-sixty, then a slalom between the weapons..)  
  
Fox: Tanner has entered in that insanely fast police car from the Driver 1 Survival mode! What a wise choice!  
  
Snake: And now he's pulling off every move in the infamous driving test at the beginning of Driver.  
  
Fox: Was it just me, or was that far too difficult for a first level?  
  
Snake: It's just you.  
  
(At that moment, Vercetti zooms into the arena in a mock Lamborghini Diablo, smashing into the back of Tanner's patrol vehicle)  
  
Snake: That sneaky bastard!  
  
Fox: Oh my God! Vercetti just arse-rammed Tanner in the famous Inferno!  
  
(Tanner goes flying into the barricade and crashes hard. Vercetti attempts to ram him again, but Tanner reverse-swerves quickly. Vercetti crashes with a sickening crunch)  
  
Snake: Oooh, I would not wish that upon any man. But then, Vercetti's no man.  
  
Fox: Well, he's not known for wearing a seatbelt.  
  
(Vercetti reverses and pulls out a Uzi. He shoots it out the window, drive- by style. Tanner evades the shots and rams Vercetti in the other side of the car's frame, severely denting it.)  
  
Tanner: Your ass is mine, you little shit!  
  
Vercetti: Fuck you, Tanner!  
  
Snake: Get him, Tanner!  
  
Fox: What an incredible spectacle this match has been already! These fans are begging for more!  
  
(Tanner backs up and prepares to ram the Inferno again. At the last instant, Vercetti drives forwards, evading the collision. Tanner goes uncontrollably fast, eventually smashing through the arena barrier)  
  
Fox: Woah, I think someone just died.  
  
Snake: It coulda been Tanner.  
  
Vercetti: You fuckin' suck, Tanner! Hey, while you're fuckin' around in the crowd I can fuck your ma again! Whatda think about that?  
  
(Tanner rolls out of the car window, limp. He looks unconscious)  
  
Vercetti: Oh, now you're fuckin' dead.  
  
(Vercetti speeds towards Tanner's motionless body. Just before impact, Tanner rolls out of the way, picks a samurai sword up from the crowd and cuts through the side of the Inferno)  
  
Snake: Do you smell lawyers again?  
  
(The Inferno crashes, and Vercetti is thrown through the windshield)  
  
Fox: Remember, kids: Belt up.  
  
(Tanner walks towards Tommy's limp body with the sword in hand.)  
  
Tanner: Hey Vercetti! You're not so tough now, are ya? No more wisecracks?  
  
Vercetti (weakly): Fuck..you...  
  
Tanner: You wanna take that back? Before I castrate you with this?!  
  
Snake: Now he's for it. GIVE HIM ONE FOR ME, TANNER!  
  
Vercetti: You can fuck off, Snake!  
  
(Vercetti kicks Tanner in the balls. Tanner falls to the floor, and Tommy begins kicking his head in)  
  
Snake: One more word, and I'm going down there.  
  
Fox: Snake, don't! He'll kill you! You're no match for him hand to hand!  
  
(Just then, Max Payne jumps into the arena)  
  
Snake: What the hell? Why is he here?  
  
Fox: He must be helping his fellow law-enforcer to arrest Vercetti!  
  
Snake: Looks like he's all healed up from that fight with Nick Kang!  
  
(Max picks up a chainsaw from the floor and begins to walk towards Tommy. All of a sudden, he turns around and slices Tanner in half)  
  
Fox: Tanner is dead! We have a winner!  
  
Snake: Those pricks! THAT IS IT! VERCETTI, I'M COMING FOR YOU!  
  
Not the end! The next chapter will follow! 


	5. Tommy and Snake get it on!

Fox: During the break, my co-commentator Solid Snake left the announcing box to embark on a one-man revenge mission on Tommy Vercetti and Max Payne. Luckily, at the last moment, we managed to get Meryl up here to commentate on any further happenings. But what I wanna know is: why is Max Payne helping Tommy?  
  
Meryl: I think I know why. They're both from Rockstar!  
  
Fox: That's right! Snake could be in trouble..  
  
Snake: Vercetti! You got anythin' more to say to me before I kick the shit outta your Hawaiian shirt wearin' body?  
  
Vercetti: Bring it on, you motherfuckin' puffda!  
  
(Snake walks straight up to Tommy. Vercetti tries a right hook, but Snake ducks and upper-cuts him to the floor)  
  
Fox: What a beauty! Right in the kisser!  
  
Meryl: Look out, Snake!  
  
(Max grabs a wrench from the floor and runs towards Snake)  
  
Fox: Shit!  
  
(Snake ducks and tosses Payne over his head to the floor. As Vercetti rises, Snake punches him twice and hits a spin kick to knock him down again)  
  
Fox: Snake hits his famous one-two spinkick!  
  
Meryl: He's taking them out single-handedly!  
  
(Snake stands triumphant. However, Payne rises and takes the wrench to Snake's nether regions. A stomach-churning crack echoes around the arena)  
  
Fox: What a dirty move! He may have cracked Snake's pelvis!  
  
Meryl: Oh, great, another excuse..  
  
(Vercetti and Payne begin to hammer Snake with every available object. Snake looks bad)  
  
Fox: There can't be much more of this. How much can one man endure? We might be witnessing the death of Solid Snake!  
  
Meryl: Not if I can help it!  
  
Fox: For God's sake, whose gonna commentate now?  
  
(Meryl climbs down towards the action.)  
  
Fox: Oh great.  
  
(Meryl sneaks up on Max and taps him on the shoulder. A huge "!" appears above his head. Meryl takes the exclamation mark and smacks Max over the head with it)  
  
Meryl: Get outta here, Vercetti, or you'll get more of the same!  
  
Vercetti: You don't wanna fuck with me, Meryl. I just beat the shit outta your boyfriend.  
  
(Meryl smashes the exclamation mark into Vercetti's head. Vercetti is out cold)  
  
Fox: What a superb piece of punctuation by Meryl!  
  
(Meryl walks over to Snake and helps him to his feet. Payne crawls along the ground and drags Tommy's body out of the arena)  
  
Meryl: He's not my boyfriend.  
  
Fox: What?  
  
Payne: What?  
  
Snake: Whu- what?  
  
Meryl: I can't live like this anymore Snake. You're on your own.  
  
Fox: I do not believe what we have witnessed! On the eve of the war between Rockstar and Metal Gear, Meryl has just dumped The Ladies Man of Shadow Moses!  
  
(Meryl slaps Snake to the floor and walks out of the arena)  
  
Snake:..shit.. 


	6. A Word From Our Sponsers

Colonel Roy Campbell: I hope you enjoyed that last episode of Deathmatch. However, the good people over at ChickenFox Productions Inc. have asked me to say a few words on their behalf because of my unique oratory skills.  
  
Firstly, I would like to point out that this is not the end of Deathmatch. Not by a long shot. However, I would like to inform you of something. You are a filthy, rotten thief. That's right. A crook. A common criminal. Scum. Do you know why? Because you haven't written a review. Every word you read from ChickenFox Productions is stolen unless you pay me back with a review.  
  
Now, don't think I'm begging for reviews like some people around here (cough Shade splutter). Oh no. I'm ordering you to write a review. Let me share with you some statistics:  
  
Number Of Reviews That Chicken Fox Has Received Ever: 11 Number Of Reviews That Chicken Fox Has Sent: 14  
  
And everyone knows that Chicken Fox is a selfish bastard who only writes a review when a gun is pointed at his head. Yet he's sent more reviews than he's received! What a load of worthless pricks you all are. Imagine the number of guns that have gone unfired for your benefit. Hideo Kojima must be rolling around in his grave.  
  
If you're sitting there on your fat arse thinking to yourself "Heh heh, he's got no beef with me. I wrote a review! I wrote two!" then you are a naive fool. Go and write another one now! And another! Or I'll have to hunt you for sport through the woods at night. Don't take it personally.  
  
And do you know what the biggest tragedy of all is? "Solid Snake: The Final Years", the masterpiece of literature starring me, Colonel Roy Campbell, only got one review. One sodding review.  
  
Thank you for your time. No doubt you are ready and rearing to begin frantically scribing your lovely reviews before the next full moon, so I shall like you and leave you.  
  
Campbell out. 


End file.
